So, I need to start of by saying that I am not sorry. That’s right, I am not sorry for anything I am about to say in this review. Why? Because I am fucking pissed. I am fucking pissed that someone had the audacity to take a movie that I love; a movie that is beautiful, terrifying and brilliant all at the same time. That someone could take this awesome idea and make a Hollywood, pop culture, candy-ass version and then try to call it art is an insult. A fucking insult.
Most people know that I am not a fan of remakes to begin with. There are a few exceptions; The Hills Have Eyes, Dawn of the Dead and Salem’s Lot I thought were all actually really well done. But for the most part I find them to be pointless. So when I saw that a Martyrs remake was coming out I absolutely refused to see it. I stated that I would DIE before I saw this abomination (my dog Esmarelda was in total agreement with me by the way, when is said this to her). But curiosity did get the best of me , I’m only human) and I justified it by saying “Hey, I can do a compare and contrast on And metal For All” (Esmarelda did not approve of this, I should have known it was a ba sign). Plus I had a free credit at Redbox to use (Redbox, I want my credit back).
While watching this…this film, if I must call it that I felt myself going through the 5 Stages of Grief. Denial, anger, depression. I stopped at acceptance because this is something that I will never accept. Look, I realize things are going to when remakes are done. Certain scenes will be toned down so the director can get that “R” rating. I get it. But this is beyond reason. And taste. If you are going to take an original film and make it completely different at least have the decency to slap a different title on it.
Those who have only seen the 2015 version of Martyrs are probably wondering what the hell I’m talking about. Fans of the original who have also made the unfortunate mistake of watching the remake know why I’m ripping it a new asshole. The original is an iconic French horror film written and directed by Pascal Laugier. One of the most ultimate revenge movies ever made; but really it is a lot more involved than that. The remake is a half-assed, watered down version with changes that make absolutely no sense. To get an idea of the plot you could IMDB it or you could just watch the original. I swear, halfway through I had to take a break. It is that intense and that scary that I couldn’t watch it all in one sitting. Little did I know when I came back that it just gets crazier.
THAT’S why I am so disappointed and THAT’S why I am slamming the remake. It lacks any intensity, any passion…any THOUGHT that went into the original. As usual it is over-explained and simplified just so today’s audience can understand what’s going on. It seems that the Goetz brothers wanted to cash in on the remake craze instead of coming up with their own original idea. I don’t know, maybe they actually respect the film and made an attempt to pay tribute to it. But you know what guys? Ya failed, you just plain failed.